Calluna Running: One Year Later ... Pandemic Guilt

2020 Gate River 15K, my last race before the pandemic lock down.

Prior to the pandemic, my morning runs were “dictated” by which race was I was training for. I have training plans for 5Ks through full marathon distances. But during the lock down there were no races to train for. Which, initially, made me think I needed virtual races to fill my “training” void – I needed a “plan.” Well, that worked for two virtual races but I lost interest in following a “plan.”

Then I decided to create my own virtual runs and connect them with my other passion, reading. Instead of following a training plan, I would trace my mileage on literary maps. But by August, 2020, I lost interest in logging my distance on maps.

As with other aspects of my life during the pandemic, I asked myself a core question “What is essential?”

While it did take me a few months to break the training plan/race habit, I finally discovered what was essential for me - the simple joy of motivating myself. Training plans are not essential to be a runner! I begin each day with a run for no other reason than I am happy to be alive and proud that I can do it on my own. I certainly don’t need any more training plans, medals or t-shirts nor do speed or distance matter. For me, the simple act of running … just moving outdoors - is essential, life-affirming! During the pandemic, I’m actually okay, more than okay -- dare I say, I am thriving?!

How can I be thriving while others were suffering incalculable loses? As the pandemic continues, more and more people are losing loved ones, becoming ill, suffering long term effects of illness, losing their jobs and income, supporting family members who have lost their jobs, and many, particularly women, are trying to balance their children’s schoolwork with their job... it’s difficult to find someone whose life has not been impacted in some way by the pandemic.

My pandemic guilt is the feeling that I am not suffering at all and I don’t deserve to feel like I am thriving as others are experiencing great loss and stress. I feel guilty about feeling “okay.”

According to Professor Kim Felmingham from the University of Melbourne, “Feeling guilty about being “OK” during these challenging times isn’t just a “perfectly normal” reaction — it’s part of our evolutionary programming. That’s because feeling pandemic guilt means you are feeling empathy for others who have been less fortunate. In an evolutionary sense, empathy allows us to form close social bonds and connections with others. So give yourself a break, don’t beat yourself up if you are feeling guilty.” 1

Yet, I struggle with pandemic guilt. It is a feeling like cancer survivors’ guilt, “Why did that wonderful person suffer more or why did that younger person die and I didn’t?” I don’t know the answer nor do I know why I am not suffering like so many others are during this pandemic. All I know is that I have no control over the pandemic, I can only help prevent the spread. Ultimately I just happen to be fortunate enough to be healthy and able to withstand the pandemic hardships.

There are 3 things that have helped me deal with my feelings of pandemic guilt – running, “Daily Joy Increases,” and volunteering.

Fortunately, an expert agrees with me! According to Julia Chislenko, a therapist:

1. “First, we need to take care of our basic needs: food, sleep, exercise.”

2. “Everybody deserves to feel safe, happy, and healthy and if you have one or more of those things, try to manage your feelings of guilt by replacing them with gratitude. Say to yourself, ‘I deserve to be healthy, I am grateful for my privilege, and I am thankful that I have the energy to use my health and privilege for good.’”

3. “Then do what you can with what you have. If you have the financial means to do so, donate. If you can volunteer time, that is also incredibly helpful… even checking in virtually with a family member or friend are all ways to replace feelings of shame with positive actions.”2

Everyone’s pandemic experience is unfolding differently. All our unique experiences and feelings within this pandemic are valid. We just need to remember "It's okay NOT to be okay” AND “It's okay to be okay, too.” 3