I am Boring!

At our wedding 39 years ago, someone said, “Your wedding is boring!”

It was true. We wanted to get married but didn’t have much money for a wedding, yet we felt obligated to do something. So we had a small church wedding followed by cake and punch in the church fellowship hall/gym. That’s right – it wasn’t a “destination," no band performed, no dancing, no meal, no open bar, and certainly no choreographed processional.

39 years later … I am still boring …

Recently someone tried to convince me that standing on a croquet court and occasionally tapping a wooden ball with a mallet, was “exercise.” I told her that I run and walk to which she exclaimed, “Oh my God! You are so boring!”

Out of spite, I was tempted to divulge the minutiae of my runs - heart rate, pace, mileage, race performances, favorite routes, etc. But I didn’t. Instead I told myself, “Be nice!”

So I simply smiled. She looked at me and said, with great vigor, “Well, I SWEAT when I play croquet!”

We live in Florida. You sweat while sitting on a shaded porch, under a fan, drinking ice tea. I smiled again and asked “How are your grandkids?” I think that was a nice, boring thing for me to do.

This proves it ... I am really, really boring!

A boring life like mine that can make you feel so much better about your own life. My boring life will remind you that your life is probably much more exciting than you realize, especially when you compare it with mine.

I haven’t been to a bar or restaurant since March 2020. We don’t even order out. My Home Ec teachers would be so proud of how I reawakened my culinary spirit. Plus, there is always a vegetarian “option” in my home and it never includes zucchini, okra, nor squash. In fact, all the options at “my restaurant” are vegetarian. I never have to “make do” with a wilted side salad or an order of greasy french fries.

Some people have told me that they need the “social stimulation” of a restaurant setting. Not me. For over a year now, my favorite Publix checker, Bonnie, and I have had the most stimulating, mask-muffled conversations. Bonnie always comments on my purchases - “Is this ginger ale any good?” - “Have you tried wasabi peas?” - “Save that jar. You can make into a terrarium.”

This ginger ale is EXCITING!  Try it.

I have no desire to go on a cruise. I like flying but I love boring flights full of boring people who follow the directions of flight attendants. On my next flight, which will probably be in 2022 (I hope!), a big, boring roll of duct tape is going in my carry on. As I board the aircraft I will show it to the flight attendants so they know I am willing to “get involved” and do my part to ensure we have a safe, boring, flight. If anyone decides they need to add some “excitement” at 35,000 feet - rrrrriiiiippppp!

Well, at least my daydreams are exciting!

Don't leave home without this "mummy maker."

I use Interlibrary Loan. How else can I get my hands on a 1948 copy of Copsford by Walter Murray? I read 3 books concurrently: 1 print, 1 e Book, and 1 audio book. My favorite social activity is my monthly book club meeting. We sit in a screened porch, wearing our handmade, 3-layer masks and discuss international fiction. We are bonafide bibliophiles! Even boring people have “tribes.”

I have never been to Disney World and I really don’t want to go there. Instead I “entertain” myself for free by volunteering ... at a local history museum ... transcribing National Archive records ... creating hundreds of children’s craft packets for Train Day. If you love Disney, go for it! Florida’s economy depends on you!

I have not watched a single episode of Game of Thrones nor Downton Abbey. When my dental hygienist starts to talk about her favorite episodes, I have nothing to say – and I can’t say anything anyway - but I try to look interested. I watch boring shows. I am on season 19 of the classic Time Team ... and I watch C-Span 1,2, and 3. I don’t think my dental hygienist has watched any of these shows. That’s good since I might try to comment on a favorite episode and end up with a polished tongue!

Snooze Alert! I enjoy genealogical research. I don’t just do the research, I create PowerPoint presentations for our family happy hours. And then, hang onto your hats, I convert those slides into narrated YouTube videos to share with my siblings. Are you still awake?

I use a “safe driver” app so I can get a discount on my auto insurance. Enough said.

While others are bemoaning how long it is taking to “get back to normal,” I delve deeper into the wonders of my boring life - and I thank God that I am not sitting on a plane while an impatient person is slugging it out with a flight attendant!

I may be boring but I am never bored. Nor am I unhappy because life has changed due to the pandemic. I can handle change. Plus, I agree with Bill Bryson: “The way I see it, there are three reasons never to be unhappy. First, you were born. This in itself is a remarkable achievement. Second, you are alive. For the tiniest moment in the span of eternity you have the miraculous privilege to exist. Third, you have plenty to eat and 'Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree' will never be number one again.”

Don’t you feel better now! Enjoy your wonderful, exciting life!

Hey, Fat A$$!

http://www.comedyofchicago.com

“Hey, fat a$$! You look like a hippo in heat!”
Now there’s something you don’t hear everyday. I heard this while running a half marathon in Greer, South Carolina. The man yelling was sitting in a lawn chair ... drinking a beer … at 8am ... yelling at a pack of runners.

In the pack, everyone’s jaw fell open as we glanced at each other and then back at the man. He’s not yelling something positive like, “You rock!” or “You got this!” or even holding two thumbs up. No, he’s yelling, “Hey, fat a$$! You look like a hippo in heat!”

I wish I could say the man in the lawn chair was an aberration, but, sadly, he is not.

During the 2019 London Marathon, contractors hired by the race organizers started to clear up the water stops and the finish line before the time limit, while runners were still running. The contractors shouted at and heckled the runners: "If you weren't so fat, you could run", and "This is a race, not a walk". 1

During the 2017 New York City Marathon, a runner was personally targeted by a heckler between the 22nd. and 23rd. mile. A man leered at her and said, “It’s gonna take your fat a$$ forever, huh? “ 2

A fellow runner in the Slow Runners Community on Facebook posted this about a heckling that took place in her apartment complex gym: “I use the treadmill 6 days a week and had never seen this guy before. I know he was talking to me because he actually got my attention. People have done this before usually to ask if I’m ok with them turning the TV on. When I pulled out my headphones he looked me up and down said, 'Mooooooo.' Laughed and left.”

Then there are these comments from a Runbundle thread about being heckled while running:

• “I've been barked at twice by people in cars.”
• “I was in Vegas this weekend and did a run on the strip. I heard someone yell 'Woo pig soooeee' behind me.”
• “I was a new runner shuffling along when someone yelled out of a car in a mocking tone "Are you RUNNING!?" I quit running for like a year or so because of that. I still get heckled with laughter and hoots for my awkward gait.”3

The man in the lawn chair was probably drunk, but what about all the sober hecklers? Certainly over the past five years we've gotten too used to heckling and name calling. Does it have to be like this? No.

The 2019 London Marathon organizers apologized to the runners who were heckled by their contract employees and said they will make changes to prevent this from happening again. They will start the clean-up operation later, inform contractors of the procedures for dealing with slow runners, and look at how water should be handed out. They also gave the runners who were heckled free entry for the 2020 marathon. (Due to the pandemic, the 2020 race only allowed elite participants. I hope the free entry is good for … whenever.)

The runner who was heckled during the 2017 New York Marathon, LaToya Shauntay Snell, went home home and wrote about her heckling experience on social media platforms. She went viral as other people responded with similar experiences. Now she is a freelance chef, photographer, contributing writer for The Root and founder of RunningFatChef, a food-and-fitness blog that documents her experiences as a plus-size marathoner, ultra-marathoner and obstacle-course racer. She has been featured on multiple platforms such as People Magazine, BuzzFeed Health, Self Magazine, Refinery29 and Women’s Running. She said, “My mission was to let people know they weren’t alone—that they, too, can push past disparaging, unsolicited comments.”

The treadmill runner who was heckled in her apartment complex gym posted her experience in our Slow Runners Community on Facebook. Her post generated 833 comments of support! She plans to ignore the “jerk” and keep on running.

Which brings me back to the lawn chair man -“Hey, fat a$$! You look like a hippo in heat!” - well, we all just started laughing!  His heckling became, literally, a running joke. For the next 10 miles the pack banter was almost non-stop:

• at the water stops - “Coming through, hippo in heat!”, “My fat a$$ needs some water”,
• at the energy gel table -“I am one hungry, hungry hippo!”, “I hope this gel doesn’t go straight to my fat a$$!”
• and at the finish – “Thanks to my fat a$$, I made it!”, “Nothing can stop a hippo in heat!”, etc. 

tenor.com

Obviously, these heckling situations do not lend themselves to a “conversation” with the person who just called you a name or compared you, negatively, to an animal. Plus, you can’t change anyone except yourself.

Most of the people who heckle runners are too out of shape to run a single mile. Once I responded to a heckler by inviting him to run with me ... “I only have 5 more miles.” He declined.

Adam Krajchir, founder and director of Race with Purpose has a better suggestion: “Instead of taking the bait and heckling back, use the other's rudeness for your gain. Take negative things and spin it. See it as a compliment, that it means, 'I'm doing something that they can't do. I'm doing exactly what I should be doing.'" 4

Finally, most people are really nice and would never think to heckle a runner. But there are a very few people who are unable to keep negative comments to themselves and you know what? You don't need to listen to them. Keep moving, you are doing exactly what you should be doing.

1. https://www.newshub.co.nz/home/world/2019/07/london-marathon-runners-heckled-by-organisers-for-being-fat-and-slow.html

2. https://www.runnersworld.com/runners-stories/a20866030/what-happened-after-fat-shaming-nyc-marathon/

3. https://www.runbundle.com/opinion/running-rants/hecklers

4. https://www.runnersworld.com/training/a20807044/stop-bugging-me/

 

"Try Not to Suck"

 

Working my way through the 2010 Richmond Marathon crowd I laughed out loud when I saw a man holding a sign that said, “try not to suck.” But as I entered my starting corral, a runner next to me said, “Can you believe that guy’s sign? Just what I don’t need, a negative comment!” Negative??!!!!....

I am well acquainted with negative comments. In 1994 I was departing for Lackland AFB — Basic Military Training (BMT) aka “Boot Camp.” I was 35 years old, a Preschool Director, wife, and mother of two children. Whatever their reasons, people were incredibly negative and not shy about sharing their negativity: “You’ll never make it through boot camp.” —“What a waste of your education.”—“You must not love your family.”—“Can’t your husband do it?” etc... Fortunately, I did not accept their negativity.

At BMT I was the Physical Conditioning Monitor for our flight. Every morning I stood on the tarmac, flashlight in hand, arm raised (like the Statue of Liberty) as our flight came into formation. We ran in formation, I set the pace.

One woman, 18 years old, was recycled into our flight. She was acing all aspects of training except the run. She was 5 seconds too slow, 5 SECONDS!!! So she was “recycled” back 2 weeks in the training cycle for another chance to avoid being discharged. I was ordered to run with her every evening until she made the required time.

As we headed out for our first evening run, I asked her, “What do you have to say about those 5 seconds?”
“Well,” she replied, “My dad says I run like a girl.”
“Your dad is not here, he is not running. You are. What do YOU say?”
She paused, smiled, then said,” I guess I’ll try not to suck.”
It turned out simply trying not to suck was positive enough for her. She eventually ran 5 seconds faster and graduated with our flight.

... Years later, standing at the start of the marathon I remembered that young woman. So I replied to my fellow runner*, “I know someone who would think that comment was positive. Sometimes the word “try” is all you can muster and often that more than enough.”

*I didn’t see this runner for 26 miles until the last turn towards the downhill finish. As I made the turn there he was. He looked at me and said, “We’re not sucking!”
I had just enough breath to laugh.